Brother, Can You Spare a Pluton?

It was a plucky little planet – I’ll miss it.

I’ll probably choke up on my next visit to the planetarium as the astronomer, tracing the paths of the planets with his laser pointer, comes to Neptune and, after the briefest pause, describes it as “the outermost planet.”

Sure, there will be explanations. We’ll be told that the International Astronomical Union voted to kick Pluto out of the group of objects formally known as planets, even though it’s still there and still orbiting the sun. It’s just that if we let in one icy, far-off body, we have to let all the others in too. And rethinking the universe sounds neat and all, but we’d rather just watch someone else do it on TV.

But then I had an epiphany. I thought, “this is America, dammit. Am I gonna let a union of international astronomers tell me what to think? Hell no. If I don’t like the facts, I’ll make up my own.”

So screw you, Commiestronomers. You can imprison my dwarf planet, but you cannot imprison my mind!